Bob's Golf Humor

"Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six, and write down five." -- Paul Harvey

Bud Light Presents:
Real American Heroes - "Mr. Driving Range Ball Picker Upper" (942 KB)

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Click here to listen to a lot more of these hilarious "Bud Light Presents" sound bites!

Bud Light Presents:
Real American Heroes - "Mr. Golf Ball Washer Inventor" (601 KB)

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Watch grandma get a "birdie"! (934 KB)

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And you think that you have problems addressing the golf ball?! LOL!

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Do you have swing thoughts like this?!

If so, then schedule a lesson with me today!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, “You looked up”, or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some other similar combination.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).

LAW 16: "Nice lag' can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break” can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker".

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to, will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

In golf, you hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, or even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers -- neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it’s always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure out. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Error must go somewhere: If your driver is hot, your putter is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Any change works for three holes.

Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.

No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to offer insights into the mental side of the game.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Never subtract so many strokes on any one hole that you wind up with the honor on the next hole.

It's not a 'gimme' if you're still away.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer.

99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that last .01% will stop a golf ball dead.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 40 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600 mph.

Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in the fairway.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the glove.

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not too choosy about which fairway.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

For most golfers, the only difference between a one-dollar ball and a three-dollar ball is two dollars.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your fourth putt

Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike ball from the rough when you hit a Titleist ball from the tee

Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off a shank

Chapter 5 - When to give the ranger the finger

Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the greens to maximize betting earnings

Chapter 7 - When to implement handicap management

Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round

Chapter 10 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water

Chapter 11 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th

Chapter 12 - How and when to let a foursome play through your twosome

Chapter 13 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the tee

Chapter 14 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent

Chapter 15 - God and the meaning of the birdie-to-bogey three putt

Chapter 16 - How to re-grip your ball retriever in three easy steps

Chapter 17 - Can you purchase a better golf game?

Chapter 18 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the cart girl and give her a $3.00 tip, but will balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the bartender

Chapter 19 - When to take two weeks off and then quit!